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by Bob Cox
Rancho Cordova, CA
(916) 266-3115
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Contact From the Publisher's Desk - July 2010 |
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From the Publisher's Desk - July 2010
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Deadbeat Dads - a different idea.
The "Deadbeat Dad" Epidemic
My wife Diana and I were on our way to dinner the other night when I felt compelled to tell her that I had two articles in my head that I wanted to write. With the Father's Day Issue just around the corner, I wanted to address the subject of "deadbeat dads" from a different perspective than the traditional, "Let's all jump on the bandwagon and verbally castrate the men who fail to live up to their responsibilities." Instead, I suggested a different approach that would hopefully help these young men see what they could be missing out on by being more involved in their children's lives. Diana looked at me like I just fell off the turnip truck and said, "You can't force people to feel what they don't feel, then try to guilt them into being a good father!" I don't know if I succeeded in persuading Diana that my intention was not to manipulate "deadbeat dads" into feeling something they do not feel, but I did feel a strong sense of urgency to get this letter out.
For many years, I've suspected that the current methods we have used as a society to discourage young men from becoming "deadbeat dads" has not worked. I Googled the subject of "deadbeat dads" and only needed to type in the word deadbeat to find "deadbeat dads" at the top of the list!
Here's what else I found . . .
The proportion of children living in single-parent homes more than doubled between 1970 and 2006, from 12% to 28%, according to the Current Population Survey (CPS). There are approximately 13.7 million single parents in the United States today, and those parents are responsible for raising 21.8 million children, which is approximately 26% of children under 21 in the U.S. today! Roughly 84% of custodial parents are mothers (10 million) and 700,000 (7%) do not receive child support because of "deadbeat dads". Children who come from fatherless homes account for: 63% of youth suicides, 71% of pregnant teenagers, 90% of all homeless and runaway children, 85% of all children that exhibit behavioral disorders, 80% of rapists motivated with displaced anger, 71% of all high school dropouts and 85% of all youths sitting in prisons.
I think it's pretty clear that the current methods of lecturing our young men about values, morals and ethics has fallen on deaf ears because these pleas to step forward and take responsibility fail to address the root cause of their behavior, which is fear. I believe the core of this fear is the loss of personal freedom to do what they want and when they want to do it. We all share a common behavioral characteristic; when faced with a difficult decision, if we fail to engage our imagination and only dwell on what we have to lose, we will surely cling to our current situation like a life vest, even if it's hurting us. On the other hand, when we look beyond what we have to lose and examine the possibilities for what we have to gain, our fear will begin to dissolve. Once the scales tip toward the potential for us to gain more than we lose, the more likely we are to embrace the change. If you don't believe me, watch an episode of Clean House. This is a show about a small group of people who help rescue families from dirty and cluttered homes. The people who are hoarding their possessions know intellectually that their behavior is preventing them from living a better life, but they invariably have a tremendous internal struggle in the beginning to let go. Why? Because the emotional grips of letting go of their things run long and deep. Once the Clean House crew is able to persuade them that the potential for a better future outweighs the sacrifices, then dramatic and positive change takes place very quickly.
These young men need our love, guidance, wisdom and understanding now more than ever. We have a wonderful opportunity to help these fathers by resisting the urge to lecture less, listen more and explore all that they have to gain by sticking around and taking an active role in their children's lives. I can’t speak for all dads, but when I first found out that I was going to be a father, I was shocked and terrified. The first thing that crossed my mind was how I wasn't ready for that huge responsibility and immediately obsessed over losing all my personal freedom. Fortunately, I shared my concerns with loving people like my sister Candy, who truly listened without judgment or ridicule.
Over time, these amazing people helped to ease my fears and I began to see a whole new world of wonderful possibilities. Today, twenty-one years later, I enjoy a great relationship with my son Bobby, who has brought me more joy and love than I could have ever imagined.
Bob Cox is the founder and publisher of Go For It Magazine.
He can be reached by phone at (916) 266-3115.
His email address is coxrobert@comcast.net.
Go For It Magazine is owned and operated in Rancho Cordova, CA. Copyright ©2010.
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Bob Cox is the founder and publisher of Go For It Magaine. He can be reached at (916) 266-3115. or using the form on the left. |
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